“I just want to be so, so happy…but the answer lies in me. ”
happiness to me is……
baked macaroni and cheese. yum. no seriously. it is. doesn’t that make you want to drool on your computer?!
I am happy. Why, because simply…..why not? not to get too spiritual on you all, but when we woke up this morning….somebody didn’t make it. think about that. being able to type this makes me happy because expressing myself is one way I unwind. listening to music is like breathing, so writing about that music is like….walking? hmm. I dunno. I’ve already posted about the greatness that is MJB, so I won’t go too much on a tangent about her, and moreso just the song. its one of my favorites. But I think its a favorite of most MJB fans, especially women. This song came out in….94. I can say with sincere honesty I was in the 8th grade. ponder on that. 8th. and I’m pretty sure I thought I was in love with some boy, that probably thought he loved me too. or maybe he didn’t, and I was sad about it. I thought all thru my HS years that this My Life CD was the soundtrack to my despair, my heartache…..Lord, I was a child! I didn’t know heartache! but that puppy love was real. 15 years later, that cd still moves me, but in a much more mature way. I understand that Mary was younger singing these songs than I am now. ponder on that too. she was about 23, singing on the pain in her heart. creating a soundtrack that soooooo many of us have identified with. the song starts with the realest shit she possible ever sung. in life
“How can I love somebody else
If I can’t love myself enough to know
When it’s time,
Time to let go”
Now my girl doesn’t write these lyrics, but nobody sings them quite like she can.
if we all knew when to let go we probably wouldn’t deal with any of the people we deal with for any considerable amount of time. those that hurt us I mean. we cling to what’s familiar.
I’m not really gonna dig deep on this love yourself thing because, I’m not that type of blogger. I mean, I can give some great individual advice to those that need it, but I’m in a good mood and I don’t want to dwell on things that make me sad. thinking about people that don’t love themselves makes me sad. so I’ll just assume you all do. if you don’t…fake it til you make it. yahmen.
but I do feel that the answer lies within us because you know what makes you smile, makes you angry, makes you cry. you also know that sometimes you have NO CONTROL over when these feelings are gonna manifest. For example, I was having a great day yesterday and all of a sudden my feelings were hurt. I felt unappreciated, I started to doubt myself and I soon realized–I can only be me. I realized that I have to change my attitude and not let what others do translate to how I feel about myself. Those that truly know me, love me. but even those people may hurt me without knowing it. I’ve already talked about human nature, so no need to dwell on that either. bottom line is, I realized that knowing that I am a good worker, friend, daughter, sister, lover, and girlfriend makes me happy. knowing that I add value to and enrich the lives of people that do the same for me, makes me happy. even when others don’t identify with or understand that greatness that is ME, its okay. there are others that do, and I recognize it in MYSELF. and that is enough.
I have spent some time having an argument in my head with an ex. i’m talking a old old ex. that sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? but its true. and argument based on things he posts online (I promise I’m not a e- stalker, these things are very public). comments that quite honestly make me feel sad for him. sad and sorry because its obvious to me he doesn’t know love. and as much as people like to pretend that love doesn’t matter, it does. and it always will. now I know you love your parents and your friends, but loving another person in a eros type of way…is different.
now I’m not saying single people are miserable, because thats NOT the case. But I don’t think he’s EVER been in love. with anyone. or even open to the idea of it. and of course if I say that to him, tell him my theory on how he hides behind his “toys”, the so much “fun” he has on his trips, being a “baller”, and on his go hard in the gym obtained physique…we will argue. we will argue because nobody wants to be confronted on those type of things and honestly we are friendly, but not friends anymore so I really have no right to tell him what to do with his heart–how to stop being so cynical and bitter and just allow himself to fall in love. How despite his asshole ways he’s actually very smart and would have a lot to offer some nice woman. maybe. lol. So when the thoughts pop in my head, I just smile and say to self “thank you that that phase in my life is over and I know love, and I am not afraid to admit that.” I also believe when people show you who they are you should believe them. too bad back then I saw what I wanted to see, and didn’t realize how compatible we were NOT. I am not afraid to be vulnerable because there is happiness in what comes out of that. I know its hard, and of course I know I can be hurt, I know my love can turn to something else in the blink of an eye. but that’s okay too. I’ll dust my shoulders off and do what I’ve been doing. striving for happiness and smiling! I know what it WON’T turn into is me shooting a man dead in the head and chest while he is asleep! Sorry, I had to get that one out. I just had to!
“Life is too short
To be tryin to play some games
Now take some time and think about
If it’s really worth losing me”
replace “me” with anything else, and ask yourself is it really necessary to play games? to NOT just allow yourself to be happy? now my happiness story is about relationships with people, I cherish the relationships of those close to me. but what is happiness to you? oh I sound so sappy. maybe its hormones…..
Vodpod videos no longer available.